A Romance in Ten Courses.

First:



http://www.electpress.com/loveandromance/page13.htm



Please do check this page out. Jaded random-webpage-hopper-and-ridicule-er though I may be, I was still stumped by this particular page: ten professionally written love-letters for ten neatly delineated stages in a perfectly formed romance.

Though the idea by itself is repellent, let us give the thing a fair chance; who knows? Fiery passion might yet come through when addressed to an ""...delight and wonder and intoxication might yet survive, even when the object of such ecstasy is ...err..."Name".



Notice, dear reader, that the thoughtful creator has dedicated an entire letter to 'Yearning', at Section 10 and not before. 'Yearning' is apparently just one more phenomenon in an admirably well-regulated series of many, appearing right after 'Pleasant Memories'. (Is it only me or is 'Pleasant Memories' reminiscent of the hilariously mass-produced Season's Greetings cards that all of us receive by the ton, for New Year? The ones with the regulatory snowman/snowflake/Father Time/clay diya/fireworks graphic plus "Season's Greetings" plus "Kindest Compliments of Balaji & Sons Hardware"?)



Where were we, then? Yes, 'Yearning'. God forbid that you, poor lovelorn man (yes, masculinity is assumed here; no woman would be fool enough to use a template for a love letter.) should feel 'Yearning'(Section 10) before 'Excitement' (Section 6), which latter, similarly, must follow right after 'Wholeness'(Section 5). That would upset the entire scheme of things....the object of your affection will be thrown into a state of confusion, and will lose track of events. Your object, dear lovelorn-guy, is obviously to keep it as simple as possible, so that there is not the slightest risk of confusing your woman - who obviously makes Barbie look like Marie Curie - and thus ruin your chances with her.



Also, dear lovelorn-guy, please be careful not to betray the raging passion in your breast; unless read very slowly and very carefully, your letter should possess the same cautious, friendly, slightly fake tone of a commercial advertisement. Like so:



"I can't recall when I had a more pleasant time. Everything felt so natural, and you were very easy to talk to. "



See? Exactly like an approving testimonial for a blender-mixer on the appliance website, if only you replace "you were" with "it was", and "very easy to talk to" with "very easy to use".

This tone of objective appreciation is what you must strive towards, so that the lucky object of your affection feels like a puppydog that has fetched the ball in a sufficiently competent manner. Of course, not being overendowed with brainpower, she, of course, will enjoy this feeling, which will prompt her to continue to the next paragraph, where this gem will hit her square in the eyeball:



" Well, I guess I've said enough for the time being. (Name), have a wonderful (week/day) and, hopefully, I'll see you again real soom. If you get a chance, (write/call) me and tell me your thoughts."



Now isn't that just fabulously charming, almost overwhelmingly irresistible, girls? Concluding with a "have a nice week, hope to see you again"? Perfectly in line with the entire dubious-salesman-with-fixed grin approach. Very endearing.



And finally, the signoff:



"Until I hear from you, take care of yourself.
Always,
(Name)"



Isn't it interesting how he assumes he is going to hear from you.