I've forgotten what it feels like to be proud of the work I do. There used to be a time when I would vouch for my work in absolute confidence of its kickassawesomeness as a reflection of my own competence.
There are more excuses than there is proof, and I am tired of trying to prove desperately to myself that this is not true, by taking on more work than I can deal with and letting it all settle down into an incoherent, incomplete, heartbreakingly average mess. Such a deep sense of shame, that sinking, dull feeling in your stomach when you hand your work in and you look up to see first incomprehension, then understanding, then - and this is the absolute, punch-in-the-gut worst of all - pity.
I am being pitied. I can see it.
I've had enough.
Tomorrow onwards I kick ass again. Nothing leaves my hands without being up to my standards. I am not going to get through college feeling sorry for myself, I am going to make other people sorry they aren't me.
PS - While I do not put up anything intensely personal here, as a rule, I need to see this on a regular basis to shame myself into doing something about it.
None of the images used on this blog belong to me, unless they involve awkward, amateur and gratuitous MSPaint foolery. However, all jokes belong to me, unless they are stunningly bad, in which case they probably belong to her.
All opinions expressed are also mine unless otherwise mentioned, unless you're going to sue for defamation, in which case, I lied - they're hers.