Sunday, October 4, 2009

Oh Yay, Vitamin B tablets!


This is a hot, sticky night, cold desert nights are a myth. Suffocation, and the smell of vodka and pineapple juice is not leaving my tshirt. Hairs, too many hairs on my head and they are tired and dying moist, sweaty deaths on my neck, my itchy, salty neck, the one that I would like to cut off and cover carefully with a sheet of cellophane and store in the freezer for 3-4 hours. Allow to set and serve with whipped cream and a sprig of mint on top. 

This taste of salt is everywhere, and MY GOD, WILL EDDIE VEDDER SHUT UP NOW RIGHT NOW, iTunes, iTunes, pause! Pause pause PAUSE pause pause!!!!!!!! Oh no, it hangs, oh please don't hang my project is open like a bombay duck sliced into half on a cold dead slab like itself, but not a slab, a fish, adjust as per taste, and Crawford Market is a smelly, smelly place. Don't believe them when they say it's Historic, because what use is Historic when there is Smelly? They try to con you with that OO LOOK IT'S HISTORIC PLEASE OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE APPROPRIATE AWED NOISES at Agra too, but you just say I don't care if it's historic, I'm not going in there and two people are dead in there and there is no eternal love cos there's no bloody romance when you're bloody smelly. Being dead is secondary, or tertiary or even quaternary because you have saat janam anyway but I don't know what comes after quaternary or I would have said it. 

If Kurt Vonnegut wasn't an angry man I shall be disappointed with fate, because I Vonne Gut someone too, but I was not blessed with a name like that, was I? No. It would make everything so convenient, like who are you? i am Vonnegut and what do you want? i Vonne Gut.. that is hilarious, that is. LAUGH.

If I could do a keg stand, would it be worth it if I were teetotalled? No. I would have to be totalled. That just goes to show you not to aspire for things that are not within your grasp. ..Grasp is SUCH a satisfying word to say, like 'debilitating' and 'ridDONKulous', which is the way 'ridiculous' should be said, but it is MY way and if you say it like that without my permission I will shoot you with a Colt .22 cos I have no aim, and That Person says you don't need to have aim to shoot with a Colt .22. That other one said I'd suck at shooting too, but that's what they told Gandy before he put on his dishcloth and went to London to see the Queen. Pussy cat, pussy cat what did you do there? I executed my diplomatic responsibility, but that doesn't fucking rhyme now, does it? 

Anyway, that's not what they told Gandy, they told Gandy he SHOULD shoot but he said he didn't wanna. 

Happy birthday Gandy.

Oh your birthday was three days back. Oh shitttt.

Oh no, oh no, Vitamin B...

13 comments:

another brick in the wall said...

hello, your highness :P

Divya said...

Chilled neck with whipped cream and mint. Perfect for necking, innit? :D

Thank you for loving reference as "the other one". My heart overflows with loue for you too :P

Now I will just shut up so I don't interrupt anything else you might happen to say :D

Divya said...

And for a staunch teetotaler, you sound so utterly sloshed in this :D

indiegurl said...

@suk - shuddup lackey :P

@divi - i swear to freaking God i dont remember writing this post! If I didn't have a no-delete policy it would be off here by now :D And yes, i do sound rather sloshed...

ramsub said...

right.....
when you die, you create a stench, thats all that I can contribute to this conversation you seem to be having with .....

Curlyconman said...

That was indeed very hilarious.
*Laughs*

narendra shenoy said...

Brilliance! You rock! I'm converting mt religion to vodka and pineapple juice right away

indiegurl said...

@ramu - that indeed seems to be the exact thing i was concerned about.. i confound myself, i really do.

@curly - i found it highly disturbing actually. i don't remember writing this post, i read it the next day when a reader mentioned it.

@shenoy saar - ayyo i don't drink, someone else's drink spilt on me. i was just sleepy. :)

Hakuna Matata said...

you sound like my neighbour #-ed.

Kartik Menon said...

hot sticky night in the "DRY" desert, totally random thoughts, Vodka+pineapple in the shirt...Me thinks Indigurl was drunk, but then me thinks many things.

enjoy!!!

Anonymous said...

actually, you sound stoned.

ani_aset said...

hehe superb..pardon me but how did you manage this..i read that you are a staunch teetotaler :)

indiegurl said...

@sindhu - oh no, she sounds way way better.

@kartik - sigh.. ONE mention of vodka in the whole post, ONE.. have i also not mentioned 'teetotal' once? yet nobody is willing to believe in my un-drunkenness :)

@anon - drunk seems to be the consensus, but stoned sounds like it would be more accurate. and yet, i was neither.

@ani - you read right; i'm weird when i'm sleepy i guess :)