I've forgotten what it feels like to be proud of the work I do. There used to be a time when I would vouch for my work in absolute confidence of its kickassawesomeness as a reflection of my own competence.
Not anymore.
There are more excuses than there is proof, and I am tired of trying to prove desperately to myself that this is not true, by taking on more work than I can deal with and letting it all settle down into an incoherent, incomplete, heartbreakingly average mess. Such a deep sense of shame, that sinking, dull feeling in your stomach when you hand your work in and you look up to see first incomprehension, then understanding, then - and this is the absolute, punch-in-the-gut worst of all - pity.
I am being pitied. I can see it.
I've had enough.
Tomorrow onwards I kick ass again. Nothing leaves my hands without being up to my standards. I am not going to get through college feeling sorry for myself, I am going to make other people sorry they aren't me.
Tomorrow.
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PS - While I do not put up anything intensely personal here, as a rule, I need to see this on a regular basis to shame myself into doing something about it.
13 comments:
shall i also mail you your lecture to me?
no.. it really helped okay.. seriously
Have no clue why, this post compelled me to follow your blog. Please do not disappoint me :P
Ooh... Inspiring lines at the end! "m gonna make people sorry"
Go on!
Btw I was just going to ask you to lose the word verification, but just read the stuff about spamming...
But its really a pain yaar...
I know this is insane, but it's been happening to me a lot recently! I read an assignment I wrote, and I couldn't even identify it as something I wrote, it just looked recycled from somewhere and quite pathetic.
I should probably read this again too.
@suk - do you want another lecture?
@suk again - that's better :P
@shouldifollow - this was a very uncharacteristic post, so I think you're going to have to make a habit of being disappointed if this is what lured you here. :D
@saurabh - it's true, though. I'm Chuck Norris without (most of) the facial hair. ;)
@mudra - oh shit :( is it just this year that sucks or us? (Us.) Worry not, you keep popping back and refueling the righteous anger, and soon we will morph from weedy salman khan in andaz apna apna to kickass salman khan in veer! :D
Somewhere between this line "Hear that, Chad? Every time you sing 'Photograph', a kitten dies. Think about that" and the sarcasm and downright blasphemy of popular music i heard the voice saying "don't click that un-follow button just yet" :)
inspiring. as far as self pep talk posts go.
its a feb 8 post. may i request, say, an apr 8 post to tell us if you were as successful at it as i hope you would be?
aah. i know the feeling. go for it. shit, mayb you cld mail me a kick some ass pep talk or two once in a while?
@shouldifollow - i'm never bad, you understand; if anything, the world simply isn't ready for that particular brand of brilliance that i choose to display on that day ;)
@JD - excellent idea, though it frightens me a little. seems to challenge me to put my money where my mouth is, what? :( :( :( however, the reasoning is inescapable. i do a follow up post at the end of this semester.
@aag - oh yeah baby, i am GOOOOD at this motormouthing deal. what i am not so good at, is the follow up. I will gladly kick your ass through email. I've been kicking my own ass for too long now, which is not so enjoyable, so i would enjoy the change yours would offer. :P good luck with the new company though, it's probably what you're looking for to prove things to yourself, know what i mean?
@you, no pressure. all i asked from you was, to inform your 31 (and growing) followers, dozens of google reader subscribers, their 100s of google buzz contacts, whether you did in fact make other people sorry they aren't you.
talk about putting my foot where my mouth is.
so, truly sorry about that. everyone should have the option to get pumped up, and then pumped down, as convenient.
@jd - message got, and working on it. no need to apologise. next post up will be on this.
Things can go bad before they get better, as they say. So there's always hope around the corner :-)
Maybe it is just a state of mind, really.
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