Monday, August 2, 2010

That's Why This Lady is a Tramp.

Two beady black eyes on a six inch high body, staring you down. You are armed with a jhadoo and your opponent is armed (toothed?) with teeth. You are poised like a ninja. Your jhadoo shivers in the breeze. Six inches of bottlebrush tail bristle in response. You are evenly matched and the world stands still to watch the Battle of the Balcony.





My jhadoo, your tail. My jhadoo, your teeth.


There were a few tense moments there, I can tell you.


So what I have learnt from Glee, is that Lea Michele needs to shut up. I suspect there were many more important life lessons (shrinkwrapped in Autotune), but my comprehension of them was punctuated - eventually overshadowed - by the desperate desire to get Lea Michele to shut up. Also, the Great Internet and my friend in the Yoo Yess inform me that jocks and cheerleaders are no longer the Aryans of high schools, but Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield told me otherwise ten years ago, and I am loath to unlearn the lessons of my youth. New tricks, meet old dog.

Old age is coming upon me with the speed of the bus in Speed. Yesterday my sister informed me that "in those days", there were no CDs or DVDs, and people recorded things on cassettes, how funny! Oh ye child! - said I, stung - What knowest thee of the modest appeal of an unlabeled cassette tape! Of the prospect of uncovering untold delights hidden within a squat black clumsiness of form! Of the exquisite agonies of desire as one waited for it to unstick itself inside a dusty VCR! What knowest thee of the romance of anticipation? Ye worshipper of the pagan Gods of Instant Gratification, what knowest thee of such subtle joys? Said I in passion.

And then she said "........OOOOOOOkay..?"

And then I went quietly to a corner, braided my grey hair, beaded my chin hair, tallied up all my wrinkles and bawled like Kapil Dev after the matchfixing thing (which again only I remember because the demon sibling was at the time mere demon spawn, with a jurisdiction of terror spanning only her kindergarten class.)

As I casually skim through my dose of tabloids for the day, I eyeball many stories of women stabbing significant others (of course, now significantly dead others) in the eyes with stilettos, and young children with faces like dessert killing other littler children with faces equally angelic, and I wonder, what makes human life special? Is human life really special or it the idea simply a vast joke engineered by the evil West, like fat-free cheese?

Oh, and fat-free cheese is a joke. Trust me on that one. It is, however, not a joke everyone finds funny, and a fantastic illustration of why Europeans are more evolved than Americans is in how Walmart has aisles full of fat-free food brands, but France will likely revoke your citizenship for eating fat-free cheese. I'm pretty sure the only way you'll ever eat fat-free cheese in Paris, is if you have it made from a fat-free cow.

Of course, if you can find yourself an unclaimed cow wandering the roads of Paris, then you deserve to eat whatever the hell you want. If the cow aforementioned is clad in jeans and a sweatshirt, you may want to return her to the US Embassy instead, to avoid regrettable - but almost inevitable - political outrage, in the alternative.

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And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is your racist, weight-ist and misogynist comment of the day! Be warned that the sachharine content of Glee marathons may produce similar compensatory reactions in the best of you. Quell now your outrage, and proceed with me to...

Chuck Palahniuk.

I've been re-reading me some Chuck Palahniuk recently, and I note with pleasure that initial impressions aside, that man is full of Teh Bullshit. Aside from the sniffy pleasures of a critic watching an Establishment crumble, I also experienced amazement at the sheer bravado with which he has hitched together a (half-decent) plot with not a lot more than gimmickry. I speak only of Diary here, so narrow your aim as you converge upon me in righteous anger.

I deny your Palahniuk! I deny your God!

And now I get some sleep, goodnight.

12 comments:

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Ramble on good woman.

But the cartoon was funny as hell thanks to the ninja with jhadoo.

Oh, and ever had a 90 minute cassette combined with a bad cassette player? You'll learn you need pens for more than just writing. (and no, I don't mean for stabbing yourself as a solution to the problem)

Also, are you on goodreads.com? If yes, can wii frandz pleaze? I wanna check out your ******* ****


where (******* **** = reading list :|)

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

Did you finally get rid of the balcony bandit?
It's called the return of the geeks.
I quite like this tshirt that has a cassette on it and says 'Nobody listens to me anymore'. I have a bagful of cassettes and a taperecorder in my room btw, DYK?
Demon sibling, really? Ah-doh-rah-ble.
Diet coke is a joke. Ramu tells me so. I believe.

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

hahaha *cries tears of joy* over nazar suraksha kawach!!

Spaz Kumari said...

@karthik - my love of mspaint knows no bounds. Also re cassette fixing, my appa used to do all the dirty work :D no wonder i have such rosy memories of tapes. Never heard of goodreads, will check it out.

@jils - ran off :D and yeah you told me about the cassettes. Here i was referring to videotapes, but same principle applies to audio also I guess. I don't like diet coke but i love diet pepsi! Lastly -
1. demon sibling is demon sibling. For similar tactics elsewhere, see also Deer, Golden and Maricha, Evil under Ramayana, The.)

2. Nazar Suraksha Kawach is 100% win. :)

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

@spaz: Briefly, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goodreads.

So far, I'm impressed by the user ratings, and more importantly, there are some very good user reviews. I'm a bit of a selective reader so its been a blessing.

GB said...

I miss floppies also. They always flopped when we tried to get the data from them...but so what? Red, yellow, green floppies. Floppies, floppies everywhere. The world is a sadder place without them.

soin said...

one chinky lady came hampi, used brown toilet paper and said they were too shiny and small. the guy chuckled and said recycling is the govt mottto maga. btw this chuck palahniuk guy is a rss chief who feeds the poor right?

Bunty Cobra said...

Brilliant. :)

Love your sister's reacion. :D

Spaz Kumari said...

@GB - i was also totally flummoxed by floppies; they were always hit/miss, i wonder why? They looked so reliable and efficient!

@soin - chuck palahniuk...rss chief....what...lost..


@cobra - demon sibling, note. Demon Sibling.

agent green glass said...

chuck is scary. and brilliant. and one time i ODed so much on him, that i thought i would lose my mind. oooh..cassettes...and then looping those things with a pencil because if you pressed rewind on your walkman to hear like a virgin too many times it would consume too much battery and mom would not pay for more than two a month, because anyway she thought dad was spoiling you with a walkman.
right. i am freaking ancient.

Spaz Kumari said...

no no, not ancient. I was bought a walkman as a special privilege gift from a foreign-return relative only when I was in middle school and I treated it like it was made of platinum.

Re batteries being a luxury, that is new. Hmm.

As for chuck, I have a very quick gag reflex... you and I probably define 'OD' very differently :D

Lemon Girl said...

Nazar Suraksha Kawach..

You just redefined the word brilliant. That was the funniest thing I have read in ages.

Cassettes were fun, mostly because they had to be treated with the least amount of care. *Sigh*