Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bitch-brand pontification.

Actually Bitch-brand, Soapbox-style pontification, but hehe, it never does well to advertise one's weaknesses, does it... and I have a terrible weakness for alliteration! :-D

Anyway. I digress.

Okay, so it makes sense to say here that ordinarily I would never blog on something like this, but a decent-sized group of friends has been going through shit in recent times, and some of them have, against their better judgment, decided to compound their unhappiness by asking me for advice (note subtly introduced, classy self deprecation! note, note!! :-D).

But seriously. I am complying not because I love giving advice but because I have a suspicion this will sound (and be) more cogent if I write it down, rather than if I say it. I don't mind giving advice, but I really don't do love advice. I suck at it...so if you find me being insufficiently sensitive/sentimental, live with it. This stuff works fine for me, and should for you too, even if you aren't a paranoid pessimist narcissist.

There are some things that should be obvious to the mushiest of minds, the lowest of intellects, the hopeless-est of romantics, but since you tend to lose sight of the obvious when otherwise amorously occupied, let me state the obvious for you:

The Great and Superior and So-Obvious-that-it-is-Duh! Love Theorem :

Never EVER love anyone more than you love yourself.

All that follows from here is purely corollary. If you're smart, this is all you need to remember.

If you're slow or have recently fallen in love (same difference)...


1. Never assume the best in anyone...always begin with worst-case scenario and move upwards if reason sees fit. Every guy who shows interest in you begins at Level 10 - Psycho/Rapist, and the burden of proof is on him to show he isn't and move upwards. Eventually he should prove himself to be sufficiently normal/entertainingly abnormal for you to date him. Now do so.

2. Never EVER trust blindly. Trust isn't 'just trust'. Trust is all you have. Sacred. It should be won, not gifted. If you trust blindly, you will attract scum, and if you are so starry-eyed as to trust so easily, you deserve it. Stop whining and fix it.

3. You never look for anyone to 'complete' you. You are as complete as you're ever going to be. You merely look for a complement. Preferably, the complement comes looking for you.

4. Don't date anyone you just 'kinda sorta like'. You're going to be 'kinda sorta disillusioned' three breakups into your love-life, give or take one depending on how romantic a person you are.

5. If you are in it for the lust, kindly remind yourself of such every so often, and do not confuse it with love when you eventually break up (which you will). Love and lust are optimally overlapping, but essentially greatly different. One has its roots in the head, and the other....well...a good deal more southwards.

Ooh yes, and if you ever break up: kindly do everyone a favour and DO NOT involve your friends or have them 'intervene' in any manner whatsoever. Your break-up is yours. This is not transnational arbitration. Making it a public free-for-all is not just immature, it is obscene. And will wholly eat up any chance of getting back together, if at all.

If you break up amicably, good for you. Everything'll be the same as always, 'cept you'll have to go dutch. Darn.

Alternatively if he was mean to you, of course, arson is justified. You will need your friends for this... go right ahead. :-D

Just kidding.

I think.




Hakuna Matata said...

1. Seriously. When you say you aren't the scriptwriter for MTV Love Guru, I believe you. Spaghetti Monster swear...I do.

2. I wub yooo (*remembers personal-things-personal lecture**)... and all bloggers, blogging, et al...you know, generally.

WeirdISgooD2 said...

Lol. But this is Good. I enjoyed knowing that at least someone out there articulated what i think of every time I was solicited for advice.

And i'd rather go for the Arson these days, much more fun! I could say...why so serioussss :D

Divya said...

Ah a fellow pessimist... nice to meet u :P good advice waise...

Oh geez highly publicized break ups and fights are annoying enough when they are happening to celebrities.. when ur friends/colleagues start doin it, it's punch worthy..

Mudra said...

Woohoo...! Agony aunt! You tell 'em!

Hakuna Matata said...

I just tagged you Bitch, do the tag now ---> www.hakunamtata.blogspot.com


The Mocking Spirit said...

I tagged you.

Check out my blog post, for the format :

The rules are :
1. Search for the answers applicable to you in Google Images.
2. Use those images as your answers.
3. Tag others
4. You have 24 hours to finish. :))

Sneha said...

Lol. Nice, nice and i agree with most!

"Your break-up is yours. This is not transnational arbitration. "

Historiophile said...

Wow..well written
But do pray to God that one day you dont require ur frnds's "advice" or "transnational arbitration"