Saturday, November 21, 2009

Bengaluru - the Interim Post.

I hope I have appeased local rowdies with the usage of 'Bengaluru' in the title. I will now proceed to say 'Bangalore' throughout the post. Adjust maadi. :)

So I am in Bangalore. A proper Bangalore post is creating itself at the moment. It will be unleashed as soon as -

1. it is finished, and
2. a freak - and highly localised - earthquake causes my landlady to move her good self away from her PC.

You see, I am highly internet deprived. My fingers tremble in the night, but there is no keypad to soothe them. My eyes glaze over in expectation, but there is no ugly monitor to stare at. I lech at the three hundred and eighty seven cyber cafes on my way to work, as they beckon to me with their curvaceous modular keypads and their beautiful dark cable modems; my poor financial situation leads me to rebuff their advances. I stare sadly at them for five seconds and then go eat excellent tomato rice (with thick coriander chutney and thicker coconut chutney, with side order of excellent tadka dal) at Imperial Hotel, for the princely sum of eighteen rupees. Yum.

I think I will bring the two-lunch system into fashion. You will eat one lunch, and then you will eat another, just to keep the first one company inside your stomach. Cows may eat eight lunches, because they have four stomachs and of course, for a proper partay you need two lunches for each stomach.

(I am not responsible for any cows keeling over and dying out of indigestion.)

If your digestion is not strong, you have no place in the world I am going to create. The same one where I am going to be Supreme Lord(-ess? Ramu, your opinion?) where I will eat two lunches out of respect for the law (which I have created) and two lunches each for every unfed citizen in my country, just out of the kindness of my heart. I will cry copious quantities of fat, sympathetic tears for them, but I will stop as soon as I get to the puliyodharai, because you know how the rice tends to be quite salty to begin with.

I have seen some lovely sights in Bangalore, including the interestingly named Philistine Auto Repair Works off Old Madras Road, and Bux! Bux! Bux! on Bannerghatta Road, the latter being a bookshop. I have keenly observed its location (in between Chamundeswari tea shop and Chamundeswari Auto Repair) and as soon as I figure out where in this neverending tangle of roads, this bloody Bannerghatta Road is, I will run off and check Bux! Bux! Bux! out.

Strawberry Fields is a nice place to spend a jobless weekend afternoon. There is a nice assortment of good South Indian boys with curly eyelashes and adorable little jiggly paunches in place, who are cunningly attired as METALHEADSSSS. (Ya right.) There is a relaxed atmosphere composed of lots of sun, good egg rolls and a general happy unwashedness.

But seriously, some of the bands are quite nice.


PS - To Kannada-knowing peoples: I have been faithfully trotting out my extensive Kannada vocabulary consisting of "Oudhu!" "Illa!" and "X Colony olige hogitha?" at regular intervals, to sundry bus-drivers, bus-conductors and bus-terminus Enquiry Officers. Oudhu and Illa have worked ok, but one bus-driver laughed when I asked him whether the bus, X-Colony olige hogitha. How exactly have I screwed up? Kindly be enlightening.

PPS - One excellent side-effect of my luck to always be finding auto-drivers with road-rage problems, is that I may not be able to ask where the loo is, in kannada, I may not be able to order food in kannada, I may not be able to ask for directions in kannada, but if I am pissed off I can shout Nin Hendruna Kaiya! But I have been advised that this is not a smart move. Whattay bore.



Divya said...

Zaphod had one drink, had another to keep the 1st one company. Sent the third to see where those 2 had gone, a 4th to give the 3rd one directions, 5th for something i forget, a 6th for moral support and im sure there were a 7th and 8th one too. You're a teetotalling bewdi my love.

Anonymous said...

Nin Hendruna Kaiya


I never knew Kaiya meant Fuck until I moved to South Karnataka. We have a whole different and interesting vocabulary back where I come from. Inspired by Marathi, Hindi and Kannada.

Kaiya. That sounds like a fuckin' prescription.

Kartik Menon said...

hey welcome to bengalooru from a fellow exile...


Saurabh Panshikar said...

Nice stuff...

I like the lunch theory!
One for me, One for my split persona!

Meghana Naidu said...

X colony O-la-ge ho-gu-ththa

with the la being the bigger more metal sounding la which is absent in hindi me thinks
ge said like may

how like low
gu like moo
and the tha being stressed

haha! i gave random someone(you) kannada lessons

i <3 bangalore btw

Spaz Kumari said...

@divi - i think we established that in a previous post only :(

@virus - arre i didnt know what the phrase meant either, so i memorised it carefully and had it translated by a friend who subsequently instructed me to never use it.

yeah right :D

@menon - and what do you do in bengaluru?

@saurabh - exactly, and one for the spilt persona of the split persona, and one more for the split persona of the split persona of the split persona, and... you get the idea. :)

@meghana - and if you pronounce 'olage' as 'olige' does it mean something obscene? because i DEFINITELY got snickered at. that was definitely a snicker. :(

Meghana Naidu said...

lol! no no
its only because its the most common mistake hindi-speakers make.
and also because
hoolige is a sweet dish, kind of a sweet parantha
so its almost like asking if 'the food' would go somewhere

Anonymous said...

Hiya! Can you post a list of basic Kannada words and phrases a non-Kannada speaker should know with guide to proper pronunciation?

Divs said...

@virus - dude! really? i didn even know it meant that! I've stayed here all my life!

@one long rant - its 'howdu' (oudhu)
and X colony ge hogatta?
(ex: bus X colony be hogatta)
Have fun in b'lore.. (i've never seen curly haired south indians..paunch yes.. well know here)

Divs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jil Jil Ramamani said...

Dai, next time anyone messes with you, just say "nimmappan magne"

that sounds like a curse but just means 'eh you, your dads son'

Spaz Kumari said...

@meghana - aiyo i am now classified as hindi speaker aa? woe is me. i am full-blood tamil pa :(

@anon - i am without doubt the single worst person to help you in this regard. google it. jai google baba ki.

@divs - so "bus X-colony be hogatta?" means the same as "X-colony olage hogutha?" really?

@jil - this is insulting aa?

ramsub said...

two lunches makes you a hobbit

ramsub said...

lord is just fine....

ramsub said...

I wish I could write like you

ramsub said...

I wrote a post about Mumbai and kept calling it Bombay

ramsub said...

paunches? they have paunches? hmmm....

Spaz Kumari said...

@ramu - i will presently read your post on BOMBAY. No such thing as mumbai. also, Lord is fine? Lord is fine. Also, if I could blush I would. Your public praise is as treasured as it is unexpected. :)

Sneha said...

hey you should've been there for SF finals. apparently it was amazing!

Kro said...

you can also try inserting "aaa" at the end of english words to convert word into question
eg: bread (word)
bread-aaa? (You want bread?)

Spaz Kumari said...

@sneha - yeah so i was told... but i was sick :(

@kro - yes! i have done exactly that. also i have fallen back on my mediocre hindi and my worse tamil.

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Pankaj said...

ha ha. very nicely and charmingly written.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
iyer girl said...

never mentioned my awesomely shiny performance at strawberry fields,and also u waved indecently to one of those "jiggly paunched" men. whineeeeee

Saya said...

lol at PPS

As you can see.. I am enjoying your blog :)