Monday, December 28, 2009

Old, Fat and Critical.


The year is over and I feel old. I have been home for nine days, and I leave in six more. Each day that I stare at the health faucet in my loo during my early morning commune with nature, I am tempted to rip it out of the wall and take it with me to college. Rip the health faucet, i.e., not the commune with nature. I am mixing up my phrases. It is a result of great emotion and (I think) indigestion. I believe I may have, at lunch today, erred on the side of fried baby potatoes, and not caution. I am perfectly willing to err on the side of caution the day caution comes eight pieces to a plate, fried golden, to exactly that brilliant crispness between 'almost brilliant' and 'burnt'.

I also went on holiday to Pondicherry, and no, I will not call it Puducheri. It could be my shameful Tamil, but does not Puducheri translate to 'new slum' in Tamil? No? Just checking.

I have watched Kurbaan, Paa, Rocket Singh - Salesman of the Year and Avatar. My observations are as follows -

1. Kurbaan has its points. However it also has Vivek Oberoi. Therefore it falls into the deep, dark, tragic abyss (transferred epithet, I'm right, shut up) of bad movies that are not bad enough to be AWESOME.

2. Which reminds me, who wants to watch Jaani Dushman with me? Bring a DVD. I'll buy it off you. Shopkeepers cock their heads thoughtfully at me when I ask for this movie, as though idly questioning my upbringing. I am tempted to invite them along for the watch-a-thon... truly, what is a life if it does not include the (very) occasional watching of Jaani Dushman. The epic love, the epic pathos, the EPIC cross-species coitus above a meditating sage...what's not to love?

3. In a burst of petulance, fate has denied me tickets for Three Idiots, which means I will sulk silently while my insensitive friends discuss plotlines and characterisations and draw parallels to that excrescence of a book. (Though I have to admit I thought that Ryan guy was hot. Wasn't he? Wasn't he? Wheeee)

4. Back on topic - it's been said a thousand times before, but it bears repetition: kids with progeria are NOT almost seven feet tall, and it's more than a little disconcerting to see a Shrek-lookalike Amitabh Bachchan acting out his little fantasy of being son to his son who is his father who doesn't want him but then wants him, interspersed with an interesting, if highly WTF message about how not using condoms sucks donkey balls when you find yourself with a little diseased, unwanted son, but later proves to be awesome because you've grown to love the son you didn't want but you had anyway because you DIDN'T USE A CONDOM, DUMBASS.

Also, here is some punctuation dedicated to Vidya Balan's unexpected pro-babies lecture - ?????!!!!!!

But little kid Amitabh manages to be truly endearing 80% of the time. And as though vindicating my faith in her as being the prettiest woman in mainstream Bollywood today, Vidya Balan GLOWS like a (classy, understated) bulb in a nice holder. Or whatever. But woman is pretty, God, she is. And importantly, shoutout to fabindia who (I presume) clothed her in the movie - I'd lost faith in you guys, but you are indeed tres hot. My apologies, and I am coming in right now to buy more clothes that I don't need.

Lastly, Abhishek Bachchan? A couple of things - i. Remember that crush I had on you during your Bluffmaster days? Consider it ended; ii. Stop pouting, you are jowly, and you are not Hannah Montana iii. Bring the face fungus back.

4. Avatar is a mediocre story in a mindblowingly cool package. Like Nirvana, but that is an argument for another time. (For clarity, the mindblowingly cool part is Kurt Cobain, so maybe I should have said 'mindblowingly cool and dead'; but seriously, have you seen those eyes? *swoon*)

5. Rocket Singh is excellent, if you excuse the questionable morals of the premise (maybe it's only me, but I was mentally shaking my head in disapproval of the undeniable illegality of the whole deal). But it moved quickly, didn't take itself too seriously, and (thank you God!) did not involve itself in an uninteresting love story. Also, it stars Prem Chopra as an absolutely edible grandfather, which shocked and delighted me, having only seen him so far in OBSERVE!-I-AM-EVIL-BWAHAHAHAHA roles. Y'know what I mean?

6. Also, I eat my words and Ranbir Kapoor is the next big (mainstream) thing.

Okay, everyone, please blog. I have six days left here and it feels like Death Row. :(

Before I forget - oh valorous commenters, be not deterred by the Word Verification thingie! I have been courted by spam kumar, spam kapoor, spam verghese and spam balakrishnan and WV is my shelter from their unseemly affections.

Ta.

24 comments:

spam singh said...

who can blame them?

Mudra said...

Hey hey hey :D

Kickass post as always.

I did not lurve Paa. I liked it. Forced and manipulative at times, but nice enough overall. AB Jr, with or without face fungus, is sucky. (Sorry.)

3 Idiots is a lot of fun! Go for it! :D

Sympathise with the word verif. Same thing happened to me. I used to tell people off for using it, but now I've got it myself. Bloody Spam Kumars. (Weren't you Spaz Kumari at some point? Interesting... :))

iyer girl said...

fake blogger!! fake blogger!! u drooled and raved while watch rocket singh and laughed embarrassingly at the tepid jokes!

Divya said...

Me too! I.e. Where was the registered office!? How did they get incorporated? What nonsense. I kept thinking that stuff, throughout the movie, though i really liked it. The other unrealistic thing about this movie was- where on earth did those ppl get the pretty pretty paper from and why would they waste those in making rockets?

revelsign said...

i really really really want to see avatar. but where is the time? where? where? "vacation" is a word they invented while they laughed and laughed at our innocence.

and i need to get me one of those word verification thingies. about 30 chinese spambots feel the need to spam me in chinese each day. all i can understand is the exclamation marks, but i can get the jist of it. they sure are excited about something over there in china. and they sure want me to know about it. but not enough so that they speak in english. what could this thing be?

also,

*cue dramatic music in*

thou hast been accused of an infamous deed!

*dramatic music fade out*

you figure it out. you would, if you ever READ MY BLOG.

Spaz Kumari said...

@spam singh - true that. hee. and thanks. :D

@mudra - arey but vidya balan was kya pretty na. and you have to admit the kids' dialogue was largely fun. 3 idiots - i wish :(

@iyer girl - true ya, i said no it was excellent :D but i told you in the theatre i was thinking of garden leave clauses in restrictive employment covenants!

@divi - not so much the company law compliances as the sheer illegality of setting up a competing business during the period of employment itself; the most blatant s.27 violation don't you think? also YES! YES! i thought the same about the rockets!!

@revelsign - how long is your internship, seriously?! and bunk off one day no? One day does not count... I bunked 3 and a whole bunch of half days :D and re spambots, i'm still only attracting the local ones. your chinese situation sounds v. surreal :D. ALSO i read your post and defended myself! and i DO read your blog! you just happen to blog on the very day i give up hope of your updating.

narendra shenoy said...

You are the best ranter in the world! Super, as usual!

Mudra said...

Vidya Balan's not pretty. She's beautiful. End of story. :)

And dude I think it's not FabIndia, just for the record. It's someone who took FabIndia's concept to a whole new level. :D

Divya said...

I know! I kept going section 27! Section 27! till some ignoramus in the front row told me to pipe down :(

revelsign said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
revelsign said...

grr, typo.

i always had a big soft spot in my heart for section 27. i think all my moots in contracts upwards had a 23 or 27 argument.

but, that said...

wow. this whole series of contract act-related comments perfectly completes the statement "you know you've been in law school too long when..."

St.Banger said...

i'll try to get jaani dushman from someone i know.. if not, i'm sending the mithun classic "gunda" with divi.. also do watch these 2 movies of sanjay dutt, "musafir" and "luck".. thou shalt not regret.. i promise

rocket singh and 3 idiots are 2 movies with multiple flaws.. but considering, they are commercial bollywood movies.. they are entertaining alrt.. paa and kurbaan are movies that scared the shit outta me, when i saw their posters the very first time.. it's the same feeling you get when you hear rumours of himesh reshammiya planning to start work on his next movie project or when backstreet boys plan to make their 3rd comeback.. only this was much worse! now that the scary phase is over.. let's just get over it.. thank you

gkam said...

Loved point number 4

Ouch my sides hurt! :P

Happy New Year

Spaz Kumari said...

@shenoy saar - thankyou hai jee :P

@mudra - yes, on second thoughts I am firmly convinced it is sabyasachi mukherjee. Can you believe that each one of those sarees is over 22k?!

@divi - I did notdo any shouting. I was understatedly disapproving. ;)

@revelsign - but you see, we HAVE been in law school way too long. :(

@banger - how was the kurbaan poster scary? The tagline was 'Some love stories have blood on them'. I nearly bust my guts laughing at that one. :D

@gkam - yup, and avatar could have done with some massive editing too. Happy New Year yourself. :)

Lavender said...

You don't like Kurbaan? :(
looks like I'm the only one who actually liked the film
Btw u haveee to watch 3 idiots
it's amazing :D

P.S. how was Jaani Dushman? :D

Vedang said...

absolutely hilarious. I have your blog on my Reader under the tag 'Awesome' and this post totally justifies the rating!

'I'm perfectly willing to err on the side of caution...' 'cross-species coitus above a meditating sage...' :D Much love!

agent green glass said...

oh spaz kumari, marry me. this post is way to many, and you are the only other person who has the same taste as me.
i'm eating my words about ranbir kapoor too, and have the worst case of indigestion. and that thing you wrote about Paa. oooh, made my eyes water. i'd like to take that auro and shove him up someplace real dark.
please do consider my proposal - yours spam kumari

agent green glass said...

correction: this post is way too funny.

Spaz Kumari said...

@lavender - hmm well i thought kareena was not quite as nauseating as in her other movies, especially her crack-addict avatar in jab we met. And i loved kirron kher's creepy afghan accent :D

@vedang - you are right. I am truly full-time AWESOME. No jokes... and no modesty either :)

@agent - I am at the moment engaged to Divya, but I am sure we all can work something out :P

Divya said...

Last time I checked, we were full dysfunctional but happy married couple with confusion as to who is hubby and who is wife but fine... This is how it is I see. Hmph.

:D

kumar said...

haha... nice post..YOU CAN WHINE ABOUT EVERYTHINg... i like what you wrote about paa... it was so predictable.. but bunking office was more important..
PS: Jaani Dushman is just legendary...
keep complaining, cheers:)
I see something written about 3 idiots, and im sure u can find 100 mistakes with that movie... more commenting later..
ciao

jimi said...

haven't seen avatar, but as for the rest- couldn't have put it better.
also i have a copy of jaani dushman. :D. i loouuuu it. feel free to borrow.

jimi said...

also except the ranbir kapoor thing.

Spaz Kumari said...

@kumar - yes, bunking office was the funner part in that, and YES i found 100 mistakes! :D

@jimi - you wait and see, im going to be right about the ranbir kapoor thing. also, i am feeling very free to borrow indeed, thanks for the offer :D i will come over and borrow off. thanks